Caught Between Self-Love & Self-Guilt

Dear Wise Friend:

Let's start by saying, I'm the accurate definition of a human: full of imperfections. The other day I graduated from this one!

Here is my story, in a snapshot: the other day, I was having a heated conversation with this person (I'm gonna call Daniel for the sake of this story). I was rude to Daniel from the get-go. I was letting him know how unhappy I was about a situation I was going through with a very dear friend and that I was very disappointed with the fact that he was supporting my friend's negative attitude. Well Daniel, wasn't notified about the whole situation before and felt I was rude on the way I was communicating this to him for the first time. At the end, he just decided to through me out the wagon by letting me know that it wasn't his problem, and that he was not getting involved! ...Ouch!

Who was right? Who knows? In the end, that's not the point! The point is what do I do with this pain? Go with self-guilt, or self-love?

Sometimes in life we do things that we may regret later on, and we go with the self-guilt. We start reprimanding ourselves for our past actions: "What did I do?" "I should have said it this way!",  "I could have done it better." It could even get down to "I'm worthless." Ok, you've got the idea! Been there! Done that! And let me tell you: it doesn't work.

There's this great lesson I learned years ago during my Jivamukti Yoga Training. Sharon Gannon (my mentor), said: "Forget about how you did it. Forgive yourself! You did the best that you knew how to do at that very moment." I thought to myself: "Damn! I think I've been too harsh with myself in the last few years." I wasn't letting myself grow from the experience!

And you know what, the other day I noticed I haven't changed my ways of self-punishment and guilt that much. I guess it has become a bad habit, 'cause I'm still going strong with that self-lashing. When I noticed this, I sat with myself and cried for a loooong time. I cried asking the Lord for self-compassion, forgiveness and self-love. Somehow, it started to pour in...

Life is designed to bring us into situations we would have never wished for ourselves, but they happen because they have a lesson within. I tend to tell myself: "Oh! Why did I let myself get into this situation." Well, 'cause even if we think we can control everything in our lives, not everything is under our control. And again, the only way we can purify the heart is by burning the hell out of our past karma (actions). So again, it's not that we let it happen, it's that it happens because it needs to! 

When we start with our self-guilt routine, we may just need to sit with ourselves and welcome the idea of forgiving ourselves for any rudeness. We need to remind ourselves that this situation has been courtesy of a past karma. (Thanks, Mr. Karma!)

In the end, we don't control situations and life as much as we think we do. There is a Supreme Controller who is moving the pieces, and we just have to let him/her do what needs to be done for the sake of our own purification process. Plus: we sure are burning some bad stuff along with it or, at least that's how it feels!

Let yourself be human! And remember: Let go! Let God!

with love,

Rita